Introvert v. extrovert

I read a friend’s blog the other day, about parenting her child for who she is, rather than who we think our children “should” be.   I’ve been thinking about extroverts and introverts and how that works in the parent/child relationship ever since.  I am an introvert.  And a weird introvert at that.  I can do large groups, but I know I’ll need designated recovery time afterwards.  All throughout high school, I kind of understood being extroverted as ideal and introvertedness was something to overcome.  After all, high school does end up being a sort of popularity contest.  The social goals of that age are to be the most popular, participate in sports or marching band or choir , to be a leader, to be INVOLVED.  And if a person found that all to be too much, you felt like you were missing out or at the very least, shoved towards the bottom of the totem pole. But in college, I discovered the Meyers Briggs tests and that we all just function different ways.  Neither one better over the other.  Just different needs.  And here’s where I’m the big weirdo:  I test as an introvert (but only by one point.  Consistently one point).  I prefer one on one interaction over large groups.  In fact, I NEED one-on-one interaction constantly.  When my husband is home, I am happy and I feel fulfilled and not lonely in the least.  When my husband is at work, I almost instantly feel lonely.  When I have one friend over, my heart is happy .  When my  friend leaves to go home, I feel lonely. Instantly.  I’m weird like that.  So, since my husband does work, and most people I know don’t plan to spend their entire day with me, I have a proclivity towards solitary hobbies (sewing, journaling, photography, baking, etc.).  I  do love my quiet time, and I burn out without it.

The problem is that I’m so easily satisfied with one or two good friends, that I don’t push myself to connect beyond those few people.  And that isn’t fair to those few people.  Just because something is a preferred way of functioning doesn’t mean it’s the healthiest thing for myself or the people I relate to.  I need to remind myself that it isn’t always about ME and what I need.  Rather, I can be aware of my own limitations, but not fixated upon them.  What I should be fixated upon is the need of those around me.  This is a balancing act that I fail at often; I  end up swinging wildly from my own needs to being focused outwardly upon another person.

 I am trying to connect with more folks.  To be intentional in building relationships that aren’t necessarily “bosom buddies”, but friends for just a season or section of life:  school friends, park friends, sewing friends, church friends, etc.  Depending so heavily upon just one or two people in life is unrealistic and unfair to those folks.  I remember in college having a handful of women who were closer than sisters to me.  If they went home for the weekend, however, I was completely lost and miserable.  And that’s nuts.  This rule does, oddly enough, apply to marriage as well.  In marriage, if I’m upset with my husband, it’s usually because he hasn’t lived up to my expectation (realistic or not).  “Me, me me!”  ugh.  If my mindset, however, is to focus upon serving him and his needs, it’s a whole different thing.  My needs are met without going over them in my head a thousand time or vocalizing them constantly.  Doesn’t mean we don’t ever have conversations needed to refine our marriage, but being focused on serving him is far and away better.  There are people who may need ME, as much (or more) than I need them.  I pray to be constantly mindful of this.

Ok, that’s an awful lot of tangential rambling.  Parenting…extrovert/introvert…on task:

I think our eldest is an extrovert.  She loves play groups and needs lots of stimulation lest she flail about like some lunatic complaining of torturous boredom.  I run out of steam often with her around 9:30AM, which makes for some LONG days.  She pushes me out of my own preferential zone into a world of “Go,go,go.”  Some days it’s easier to do that than others.  It’s difficult when your child needs more than one can offer.  This is partly why I don’t cry when she goes to school.  I know that that kind of activity and socialization is something she thrives upon.

I stare in awe of other women who just seem a master of their world, constantly volunteering and organizing large events, participating in lots of groups, without a nap. That not only feels completely overwhelming to me, but terrifying.  And I have to remind myself, once again, that one form of functioning is not better than another.  We can’t all be leaders.  Who would follow?  And besides, the Lord made me our eldest’s mother and no one else.  For better or worse, she’s stuck with me and I’m committed to her and together we continue to figure each other out.  And I believe we end up blessing one another.  She has gotten me out of the house to be around people when I didn’t realize I needed to.  I have such an inertia to stay home, that getting out can become extremely burdensome, especially with a newborn, freezing temperatures, and piles of snow.

The thing is, however, that we aren’t just one thing.  No one is one dimensional.  Our eldest thrives on being in groups and lots of people, but she still needs quiet time for herself .  She’ll want to play alone in her room or snuggle quietly with me.  I can function in large groups and have a blast.  These are more rarities for us, but it happens.  The Meyers Briggs test is helpful in understanding what may benefit a person, most of the time, but the test itself doesn’t define a person nor is any one person stuck under the title of introvert or extrovert and therefore rendered incapable of acting in any other way.  Life’s messy.  So are people.  And that’s just how we roll.