challenges in motherhood

"Create in me a clean heart, O God.  And renew a right spirit within me..."

--Psalm 51:10

Nothing is as humbling as motherhood.

Not only is there the constant work, being in contact with bodily fluids daily, but I am being shown, all the time, that I really have no idea what I'm doing.


Our youngest is easy-going, but I've learned more about pediatric medicine over the past 11 months than I've ever known.  And there is nothing like hindsight to induce a bought of severe guilt in a mother.  Who knew that the reason she wasn't sleeping was due to silent reflux and food allergies?  Who knew that the real reason she snarfed down so many cheerios at 7 months was because my milk supply had vanished, that she'd stopped growing and actually was losing weight?  I had starved her and deprived her (and myself) from sleep, unaware.  Who knew that a runny nose lasting more than 2 weeks is considered a sinus infection?  *sigh*  Who knew...?

Our eldest is a strong-willed girl.  She was, from the very beginning of life, needing constant soothing and contact.  I wore her, all day, in a sling, until she was two years old.  I couldn't get her to sleep unless she was on me.  She nursed for hours, refusing a pacifier or any one else for that matter.  If she wasn't in the sling or allowed to nurse frequently, there was much screaming.  Whenever she was hungry as a baby, she'd turn almost purple, screaming, a full red-alert that she needed something.  And as she's grown and become more independent, the essence of her persona manifests differently, but it is the same.  She is loud.  She is full of large emotions.  The tantrums and freak-outs come.  Daily.  My husband and I still can't recall a day in her life where she hasn't cried.  Only now it's about what she's going to wear or what job she'll have at pre-K.  Many of these are emotions she's merely tried on, not founded in reality at all, and as she imagines being worried, she talks herself into full-on sobs, gasping for breath, trying to tell me why she can't do the "box job" (taking up the pencil cases at the end of the day and putting them on the counter at school).  That particular freak-out lasted almost 4 hours one Sunday after church. I've tried it all with her.  I've read Dobson's "Strong-Willed Child" (twice).  I don't know.  And I find myself saying that I don't know more and more often lately.  I worry sometimes that by ignoring her outbursts (as is the common advice and often helps to diffuse the situation more quickly than engaging in a conversation about it), my heart will turn callous towards her.  And in the moments where I feel completely exhausted by her, out of energy and ideas, annoyed and undermined, I make her hug me.  We all take a deep breath and pray.  Pray to be filled with the wisdom I'm lacking, for the energy and understanding that has been emptied out of me.  We pray for her to be given a calm spirit and happy heart, for her to be guarded from being so overwhelmed by her emotions.  Most days, that's the only thing I do know how to do. 

I have often said that there are things in life we just won't understand.  We just won't know.  I'm learning to become more and more comfortable with the mysteries in life.  Perhaps "comfortable" is the wrong word...I'm still irritated by the not knowing, but I am more accepting that there will be these voids of understanding.  And that the Lord alone knows.  I can trust Him.  And I cling to what I do know.  I know that the Lord has entrusted these children to my care as their mother.  I know that the Lord loves me and He equips those He calls for the work at hand.  I know that I am a sinner to the core, who can do no good thing apart from the Lord, that I will mess up and make the wrong choices constantly.  And His grace is big enough to cover all of that.  I pray to be a gracious mother.  Not only in how I parent our girls, in teaching them about forgiveness, showing them forgiveness, in asking for forgiveness from them.  But constantly receiving forgiveness from my Father. 

Here's a lovely blog that resonated with me and inspired today's post.